Book Club: Daring Greatly, a few excerpts from chapter three

I know It’s been like a billion years since I last wrote about Daring Greatly, but I haven’t given up on reading it just yet. I truly love reading and the book, but time doesn’t always work in my favor. Anyway, here are some excerpts from chapter three that inspired me and really made me think.

I hope they’ll do the same for you!

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“Like the demands on women to be naturally beautiful, thin, and perfect at everything, especially motherhood, the box has rules that tell men what they should and shouldn’t do, and who they’re allowed to be. But for men, every rule comes back to the same mandate: ‘Don’t be weak.'”

“We are hard on others because we are hard on ourselves. That’s exactly how shame works. Finding someone to put down, judge, or criticize because it’s a way to get out of the web or call attention away from our box. If you’re doing worse than I am at something, I think, My chances of surviving are better.”

“We have to be able to talk about how we feel, what we need and desire, and we have to be able to listen with an open heart and an open mind. There is no intimacy without vulnerability.”

“I think we have to question the intentions of any group that insists on disdain toward other people as a membership requirement. It may be disgused as belonging, but real belonging doesn’t necessitate disdain.”

“Remembering that shame is the fear of disconnection– the fear that we’re unlovable and don’t belong– makes it easy to see why so many people in midlife overfocus on their children’s lives, work sixty hours a week, or turn to affairs, addiction, and disengagement. We start to unravel. The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people.”

“If we’re going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. To set down those lists of what we’re supposed to be is brave. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is prehaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.”

At the very end of the chapter, Brene Brown shares a passage from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams to show that it’s much easier to become an authentic person when we know we are loved.

~

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become real.”

“Does it hurt?”  asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,”  said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.  “When you are real, you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,”  he asked,  “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,”  said Skin Horse.  “You become. It takes a long time.  That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to the people who don’t understand.”

– Alisha

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